I had a revelation this week that was quite confronting and not pretty.
I had brought up to someone how I haven’t been able to handle that they told me that my life was pathetic a year ago. They’re response was “I only had said that out of anger, that says more about me than it does about you… why have you held on to this so long?”
After a discussion the person apologized, but I didn’t feel better. I knew it was said to me out of anger – and that doesn’t make it okay – but it stayed with me. At my worst of times, while struggling with health or sleep or difficulties this year I said “Maybe your life is pathetic”.
Why did I allow something that was obviously untrue to creep into my mind?
My parents said to me when I was much younger that I appeared confident. I seemed like I had more confidence than the world and I was always trying to make people laugh.
As a result my parents believed that this is why some people thought it was okay to say things to me that they wouldn’t to anyone else… to “put me in my place”. The thing is, I was always trying to make people laugh because I was really sad, and depressed – and I didn’t want anyone to feel as sad as I did inside. Continue reading “Shame and Pain”→
So, Lately I’ve been writing blogs and then deleting them. I don’t feel right, and I don’t feel genuine about my work. It just doesn’t feel good to publish. Which is a weird thing for me, I love publishing my work, I love just writing, even if no one reads it. It’s soothing to me to write everything on my mind.
However, lately I have been kept awake at night, my mind racing with words as I have not written them out or even found a way I feel comfortable with expressing them at the moment.
I usually can think of 2-5 different blogs in one day, but lately if I think of anything I become seriously in doubt with myself. I have been silent on here a while – not wanting to write a mediocre blog – and yet when I publish – within minutes to hours of publishing I press the trash button as I have convinced myself that what I have written is stupid.
I don’t like feeling this way, but I am sure most of the actual readers (not the spambots) will relate and I just wanted to be honest with my readers.
Please share in the comments section if you have any thoughts on how you deal with writers block and ways you have gotten yourself out of it.
So I realize that I have not discussed what surgery I am going to go through and the details about it. I have told myself that it is because I am a private person which is kind of funny being that I have started this blog that requires me to be open about my life.
After further thought, I realized it was because the less detail I give, the less real it seems. I can talk “around” it. I realized this was my real “issue”, when a friend of mine who is being treated for Breast Cancer mentioned she does not like to call it Cancer but calls it “Bob”. She explains how this has made it “less scary”.
I am not someone who does that unless I feel like the person I am talking to is overwhelmed with how direct I can be about the numerous intense experiences I have in my life. Then I either, don’t tell them, or “soften it down”. But blogging has been a way for me to be direct, and if readers do not like it, they don’t have to keep reading – it’s that simple. I get that I have gone through some pretty intense situations from a young age and sometimes that is too much for people to hear and it simply isn’t personal if people would prefer not to hear it.
However with opening up about my situations I have encouraged others to be more open about some things that they had difficulty talking about – and for me, that makes it worth it.
I remember visiting a friend 4 years ago after a situation where her leg was crushed while riding her horse. Some people nearly turned white because they were unable to stomach seeing her leg when they walked into her room. I guess with my surgical history and the fact that I chose Premed when I was younger because I so desperately wanted to be a surgeon, these things don’t bother me. Also the fact that I had had several experiences with hospitals myself – that walking into one almost feels like a second home.
The doctors had to keep my friend’s leg “open” in order to drain the excess fluid that kept going to her leg. I walked in to her room and I saw the amazing technology keeping her leg drained and and saw all the muscles and I said “OH THAT IS SO COOL!” A woman who was visiting her nudged me like I had said something offensive. My eyes opened wide (the last thing I would want to do is offend a patient in the hospital, let alone my friend), and I looked at my friend and mouthed the word “sorry”.
She told me later (after the woman left) that my reaction helped her “face” her leg. That she had refused to look at her leg until I walked in. I realize though, had it not been for how direct I was about the subject and unafraid to discuss a situation which obviously made others in the room uncomfortable – she may have taken longer (if at all) to look at her leg, and face reality. She explained how that day changed the way she looked at her situation.
So with that – I’m working on being direct about the next weeks to come, and surgery. I don’t function very well skirting around topics. Which is probably why I write this blog.