Shame and Pain

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach
Photo by Pixabay on

I had a revelation this week that was quite confronting and not pretty.
I had brought up to someone how I haven’t been able to handle that they told me that my life was pathetic a year ago. They’re response was “I only had said that out of anger, that says more about me than it does about you… why have you held on to this so long?”
After a discussion the person apologized, but I didn’t feel better. I knew it was said to me out of anger – and that doesn’t make it okay – but it stayed with me. At my worst of times, while struggling with health or sleep or difficulties this year I said “Maybe your life is pathetic”.
Why did I allow something that was obviously untrue to creep into my mind?

My parents said to me when I was much younger that I appeared confident. I seemed like I had more confidence than the world and I was always trying to make people laugh.
As a result my parents believed that this is why some people thought it was okay to say things to me that they wouldn’t to anyone else… to “put me in my place”. The thing is, I was always trying to make people laugh because I was really sad, and depressed – and I didn’t want anyone to feel as sad as I did inside.  Continue reading “Shame and Pain”


When a car drags you… and other weird personal stories…


I promised to write this sooner but as you can understand, I haven’t been feeling the best so it has taken me longer than I had anticipated to write.

So, as people like to joke… that I’ve lived with a high percentage of weird things happening to me. I’m still here and I take comfort in that and it’s something I take comfort in with the surgery coming up. BUT I have been promising the story of when I was dragged by car – which happened July 25th, 2017.

My husband was unemployed for this time, and happily volunteering for other projects. The company he had been working for had gone under and he had received a small payout but we were getting at the tail end of that payout. In this case, he had been volunteering to help build a person’s house with a few friends.

We only have one car (especially with financial difficulties) so this meant that I had to drop him off and pick him up from the building site – with two of my children in tow. The house was on a hill, so I parked on the hill. I got out of the car and opened up the child locked door for my son, and was about to do the same for my daughter on the other side when the car started rolling backward. My first thought was that I did not put it in park properly. The second was that my daughter was in this car and due to child lock she can’t get out and I would have to stop the car somehow. Unfortunately at this time all the workers working on building this house had been packing up and had started witnessing this traumatic event. Some of them running towards the car, I could hear some of them yelling or screaming. They sounded helpless. At this point. I “superman” jumped back into the car to try to stop it – because I thought…. it was my fault but mainly because I had to save my daughter.

The sad thing is… I kept pushing it in park (while having my legs dragged (approx 130 feet) while going down a hill and pulling on the hand break (which of course would do nothing but it was loud enough to alert the neighbors who all came out wondering what that clunking sound was and they watched in horror too).

At this point I didn’t know where my son was, I thought he had already been rolled over by the car – and my next thought was to save my daughter – but it hit me that I couldn’t. The car (I thought) was heading for a forest area and the bottom of the street. Either that or we were heading for a house or a random tree. I had the desperate thought that if my daughter actually survived this (I had flashes of her being in the hospital) that she would need her mother… and yet… I was halfway out of a car – if I let go – I would be under it in an instant –  rolled over by a car and fighting for my life. I knew that all that was needed was for the car to roll by a building and I would be in two pieces…  It’s amazing how many thoughts go through your head in that small amount of time.
I knew I had to find my way out of the car without being rolled over and in that instant the car hit a ditch and I flew AWAY from the car – which was life saving. I had no clue at the time that the car had not been rolling down the hill but it had turned and thankfully did not slam into a house but went UP a grassy yard and stopped right between the only yard that was safe on the street – between a house and a tree.

I heard my husband yell “ROLL!!” at first I was thinking “I think I’ve killed myself and my husband is yelling at me”, but he was concerned that the car was going to roll back down the grassy hill and back on top of me. I finally realized he wasn’t yelling AT me but yelling to save my life as he couldn’t get there in time… I rolled – as straight as possible because I thought I had risked spinal damage, possibly internal bleeding and the like – I already had my hands above my head and I did the most perfect roll I could (under the circumstances) out of the way.
Thankfully – that’s when the brakes kicked in.
Days later my husband believes that maybe I had it in park but did not hit the pin – I am not sure if this is true – but I have been told that it is a single little pin that needs to be pushed properly for brakes to set.  BUT when we took it into the mechanics, they mentioned that the brakes had been shot – really bad (they said they would not drive it down the street). So, it may have been my fault? It may have been the car? We have no real answers – although the police definitely had to show up and do a breath test on me – which they suspected that I was a likely suspect – they seemed surprised that the alcohol was 0. I was annoyed and slightly insulted by being treated like a criminal instead of a victim but I realized they were doing their job. My kids ended up being fine. Shaken, but fine. My daughter called it her “brave moment” and writes it in her school journals. My son surprised me… I remember at the beginning when the car started going backwards he tried to help and then he disappeared which is why I thought he was “gone for good” and that the car must have taken him out, but it turns out he’s a lot smarter than I ever anticipated. He, at barely 7 at the time said to me “Mum, I tried to help you,  but I realized I couldn’t so I ran as far away from the car as I could and crouched down low. In fact many of the adults could not spot him when this was happening and had assumed he had been hurt too. He was the first person to get to me and I remember feeling a wave of relief seeing his face – knowing he was alive.

I looked down. My body a bloody mess. I knew at the time I had an enlarged spleen and I was told that as long as I don’t “hit it” I’ll be fine. So naturally when I looked down and saw gravel in my stomach, I was a tad concerned and it was the first thing I told paramedics.

The hilarious part was that I thought I had gone crazy when the paramedics had shown up. One man, who was talking to me from the right side of me would ask me a question, and then disappear, and then the SAME EXACT guy – would come and talk to me on my left – almost instantly. I thought “How is it that I am seeing the same guy on either side?” I didn’t want to worry anyone so I thought I would mention the concern I had with my head (even though I didn’t remember hitting it), in the ambulance once my friends and family were not around. It wasn’t until the police showed up to do a breath test (while I was in the ambulance before we drove off) that I heard the policewoman ask them “So are you twins or just look alike?”. Turns out they are twins – (phew… I’m not going crazy), and they told me on the ride to the hospital that they share everything except for girlfriends (Hmm… I didn’t think to ask the girlfriend question but they decided to make that clear). They have the same hobbies, friends, and job (of course) and work together – BUT they don’t share girlfriends (thanks for clarifying boys). BTW they were really good-looking and I found out one of them was single but I was thinking of how inappropriate it was for me to try to set up a date with one of my single girlfriends while I’m in the ambulance bleeding all over them. It was just not a subject I could think of bringing up naturally… (sorry single girlfriends).

Anyway, I got to the hospital where they treated me like a princess because I got to be in the ward with all the drug addicts. I don’t judge – that in itself is a huge challenge but I think I was an anomaly in that department. When my husband showed up a man who was trying to go through detox came and told my husband he should believe in aliens – in which my husband casually replied “That’s why I try to wear the aluminum foil hat”. Well… I overheard my husband say that before he found my room but it made me giggle. I thought he would be a little weirded out with being approached like that but after 13 years of marriage sometimes your husband can still surprise you with how well he can handle strange situations.

They did a scan in which they have found this aneurysm that I have to take care of – and in a way I think that maybe this whole dragged by a car thing has worked out well. If I hadn’t been dragged – no one would have found this ticking time bomb in my body.

I was put into theatre and given Ketamine. Which apparently is all the rage at the moment. I was encouragingly told by the (obviously newish doctor) that “oh yeah, it’s the drug that Michael Jackson died from, but only because his doctor gave him too much, don’t worry though, I wont do that to you” in which the obviously older and more experienced nurse shot him a dirty look and said “you’re not helping”. Uhh.. doctors – sometimes that bedside manner comes a little later – and sometimes not at all.

Thankfully with many scans they determined I only had a bad case of gravel rash. So all they did was “scrub me” under Ketamine.

The Ketamine was great (In case you are wondering) I dreamed that I was playing minecraft the whole time. So that was interesting…

Anyway – my wounds healed up crazy fast (I will spare putting those really yucky pictures on the internet). All the doctors exclaimed how they have never seen anyone heal faster and they were in shock. Except for one tiny area in my knee which kept getting infected. Luckily, I know a nurse in “High places”, as in she gets all the infected wounds and saves people from losing legs and such – as she is one of the school mums and she made me show her. Sure enough after two weeks she had it back to normal – she is amazing and she is nick named the “Healer” but it didn’t heal right with a bump… it kept opening and closing – so she looked at that and said “You need that scanned.

I went and had a scan – I could see a lump while the ultrasound technician was going over it… and over it, and over it (I can’t have an MRI – because I have a pacemaker – I know this really is too much to keep up).

They finally announced that I had a piece of gravel in my knee “but it should come out on it’s own or eventually will heal over”, but – 9 months later – this is the “Day surgery” I had to have. I love my GP – she should have been able to get the rock out, but she refused due to all my crazy health stuff – so I actually had to get checked into the hospital on Wednesday to get rid of it, because on the off chance that I might survive this upcoming surgery – I wont have the immune system to fight off a potential infection of the knee. So it had to be done. Next Blog will be the “knee surgery” (aka gravel removal) – as I realize I went WAY over my word limit today. Ha ha.
Hope you have a good weekend.  Check your brakes!