Thankful Day 5

 

So I am on day 5 of writing two things that I am thankful for and already my mind feels like it’s benefitting and changing. I notice things that I would normally feel frustrated or worried about seems a lot more doable.
One thing that has benefitted from all this thankfulness is I felt for the first time in 15 years like I could clean my closet. I unfortunately didn’t take any before photos as I didn’t think I would have the energy to finish and I thought I was just doing a small corner. The more I got into my closet the more I felt so happy that I was throwing old things out. I can actually see what clothes fit me (as you can see, I have a lot of pink things). I haven’t seen the floor of that closet in so long. It was nasty and dusty but I kept going.

One thing I have noticed in is that clutter (which we have a lot of) does in fact cause a lot of anxiety and depression. The other thing that studies have found is that there is a direct correlation to clutter and weight gain. Weight is the other thing I am working on and hopefully I have burned a few calories working on throwing things out.

Currently, as I am typing this – we have two electricians putting in air conditioning into our house. Our house is a mess with things moved everywhere as the electricians are getting into it. It is comforting that one thing I have NEVER EVER worked on fully cleaning – my closet is clean. I cannot stress enough how exciting it is to see the floor in my closet. 15 years people! I know that sounds horrible but when you realise that most of your life you are “coping” with health issues and depression and etc… so much, including your closet can be overwhelming. However, making these changes and decluttering really can decrease that stress. It’s a bit of a catch 22.
Anyway, I did not talk to my stuff like Marie Kondo suggests but I did mentally say goodbye to it all and tell myself “It has served it’s purpose”.

Anyway, if you haven’t noticed already my two things I am thankful for is:

  1. Feeling capable and not overwhelmed when cleaning something that seemed like a big task for me in the past.
  2. organised shoes in my closet.

I’m sure tomorrow I will be thankful for the air conditioning/heaters being installed currently but that’s another post for tomorrow.

If you need inspiration to tidy and clean here are a few people who help:

All things Marie Kondo

Shannon Lush and Jennifer Fleming cleaning tips

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A Different Direction

 

 

round grey and black compass
Photo by Supushpitha Atapattu on Pexels.com

So I’ve been absent for a while. I’m going to be honest there have been several areas in our lives (me and my family) that have had several negative impacts and I have been suffering from Depression for months. No one that knows me really knows this. I said to someone – who still didn’t pick up on the red flag that I like to entertain and make people laugh so that no one ever feels as bad as I do. I am not who you would think (if you met me in person) as someone who suffers from depression.

It’s definitely not the first time, and I have had bouts of it since I was 11. People who know me in person always say that I am a positive person. They would have no clue the dark feelings I have on the days I seem most positive.

Right now there are things to be positive about – and I only mention those things when I meet up with people… yes I still meet up with people. I’m not someone who is in my bedroom all the time, although I do have days like that too. I laugh, I Joke, I’ll send cards, and buy gifts, no one asks me how I am and if they do… even if I hint that something isn’t quite right… no one wants to hear it.

I wonder if we are living in a time where we just don’t want to face negativity. That we are more than willing to shove things under the rug because there is too much to deal with in the world.

I am paralysed because I cannot ask for help – I’ve been scared by stories from friends and family about myths and truths of antidepressants – so I don’t bother going to the doctor. I don’t dare tell family – I feel that it’s too much for them if I’m not positive all the time. In fact… that’s part of our problem growing up. It was drilled into us that there is always something to be thankful for, there is always someone worse off than us, and that there really isn’t any reason to feel sadness in any sort of way – so I feel like the sadness is stuffed away until it builds up. Even when it builds up – I can’t say anything but laugh and try to make others laugh because I am too ashamed to let people know.
Can I call help lines? I am scared to give them my name, address or anything else. I have known people who work at the help lines and I would hate for my name to be recognised..  I don’t want people to know.

So, here I am, admitting it on my blog. I suffer from depression. The main reason is that I have suffered from a huge amount of disappointment in one hit lately – for an extended period of time. It’s much easier to believe the bad over the good. I don’t have the energy to think good thoughts about myself or my life. Mainly? I feel alone. I feel alone because I feel that if anyone in real life knew how bad my depression was that they would think of me differently. I would lose respect.

SO what is my new direction? From now on, I Can’t in anyway shape or form to pretend on this blog that I’m here to give you advice on how to overcome when I feel like I am struggling. Instead my blog will be about what I am doing to help me work through my feelings. Books have saved me in the past, along with a lot of other coping mechanisms. Eventually I can pull myself up and get back on the path I need to be. I realise though I cannot blog unless I am being genuine and I’m being genuine with my readers. I am setting myself a goal to read a book on each shelf in the library – I know it’s silly but it’s a goal and it helps me stay focused instead of spiralling. I also am going outdoors more, and finding things that help me work through the hard times in life. I have no advice. From now on this blog is just about working on keeping me mentally healthy.

Thank you for still being here. More explanations to come….

BTW – if you do have depression, and you don’t have friends working at those hotlines PLEASE CALL:
USA 📞 800-273-TALK (8255)

AUSTRALIA: 1300 224 636

P.S. I’m thinking of changing my blog’s site name as well as set a new agenda – hope that works for everyone.

Shame and Pain

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I had a revelation this week that was quite confronting and not pretty.
I had brought up to someone how I haven’t been able to handle that they told me that my life was pathetic a year ago. They’re response was “I only had said that out of anger, that says more about me than it does about you… why have you held on to this so long?”
After a discussion the person apologized, but I didn’t feel better. I knew it was said to me out of anger – and that doesn’t make it okay – but it stayed with me. At my worst of times, while struggling with health or sleep or difficulties this year I said “Maybe your life is pathetic”.
Why did I allow something that was obviously untrue to creep into my mind?

My parents said to me when I was much younger that I appeared confident. I seemed like I had more confidence than the world and I was always trying to make people laugh.
As a result my parents believed that this is why some people thought it was okay to say things to me that they wouldn’t to anyone else… to “put me in my place”. The thing is, I was always trying to make people laugh because I was really sad, and depressed – and I didn’t want anyone to feel as sad as I did inside.  Continue reading “Shame and Pain”