Remembering the Familiar and Embracing the New

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So what happens when you are truly unhappy. Well, you can sit and dwell in the depths of unhappy and become depressed. Eventually, and what I realised is somehow I have to keep going – my children depend on me.

One thing that we changed – on request of my daughter, was to change schools. We found out only too late that my daughter’s teacher last year had bullied her – she had bullied many children. My daughter’s major problem is that the school knew about it and did nothing. So she made the mature argument that the problem is bigger than the teacher but a school problem.  Many times I attended the school and found it to not putting the children’s safety first. I wont name the school – but say that with our new school we are very pleased. We had no clue how much this has changed our lives. They actually do what they say they stand by! You don’t have to come with buckets of proof that your child was bullied by a child that day, they actually handle problems properly and put safety first. For the first time in years, I don’t have anxiety about taking my children to school. I mention this change because I think that there are times where we think we are in the best situation possible, so we put up with some really unhealthy things – only for those things to become the normal.

Only when you find out there are other ways to do things, and there are better options can you raise the standards of now only what you should expect of others but what you expect from yourself.

Our area of the world it is difficult to find a job. It’s hardly what you know but who you know. I have applied to so many jobs and the only ones I have ever gotten in our state is ones where a friend works at the company. It’s unfortunate and difficult but widely known by outsiders that connections are needed. So another wonderful change was – a friend helped me get a job. We desperately needed a change in funds (we are technically living below the poverty line) as we have been assisted by relatives with keeping our heads above water. My husband and I are very independent people so you can imagine how mentally painful this is, as it’s been going on for a couple of years now. We now have hope that we may be able to support ourselves very soon and raise our standard of living. You can see though that there are definitely some contributors to the depression I mentioned in yesterday’s post.

Finally, with some hope giving me some wind in my wings – I have been trying to find myself again – and books were a huge part of that. My friends often would ask me for recommendations and so now I want to start an online book club on this blog. As I can’t buy books anymore, we have been living off of the library for books and videos. I have a challenge to read a book from each shelf (of the library)… so that I read a wide variety as I don’t like just reading one or two authors but discovering new ones. SO I hope you will enjoy this.

I also know getting out of the house is a big deal to help combat depression and plan on spending more time outdoors and being present with nature. So I plan on also incorporating this into this blog.

I do have physical energy now that it has been one year since the spleen shrinkage. SO I plan on taking advantage of this.

SO even though there have been some difficulties – I am either making changes where I can or finding my passions again.

If you feel stuck, I recommend taking inventory of what is working, what isn’t working, and what you can change and what you need to keep in your life.

There is a way to regain control.

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What I can control…

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Well, I have hit reality today that I am suffering from my yearly struggle with the weather (here in Australia) turning from Spring into Summer. To be honest I REALLY don’t do well with the weather change. I’ll be fine when the heat evens out but right now it goes from rain to hot as hell and then cold rain again. My body just doesn’t adjust to such inconsistency.

However I am on a “getting fit” kick and I was frustrated with my health setback. I remembered that even though I was in extreme pain, that my doctor told me that for Continue reading “What I can control…”

Rare

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So I have been quiet lately because I have been quite upset thinking that I may need to go through another procedure. I have been undergoing test after test (I have another one next week) but thankfully the doctors have had a chat and decided that I would probably be best to be left alone.

I have a test scheduled next Thursday and my doctor mentioned that the results would be back in time for “the 19th”. I said “What happens on the 19th?” He says “oh we (and he mentioned some of the best doctors I know) have a fortnightly meeting…  (silence…) where we meet and discuss patients (silence….) like you…. (silence…) you probably have felt your years burning”.
Well… let just say I’m not sure where I am supposed to be in life as my life is constantly interrupted with my health surprises and abnormalities but I definitely feel like a super rare and valuable Pokemon collector card when it comes to doctors.

I nearly shared the story of having an ultrasound on the entry sight right after a procedure and the ultrasound technician said she needed a radiologist in the room to double check they have the scans they needed. As the radiologist came in he asked what I had gone through … I said “Spleenic Artery Aneurysm coiling”… he said “no, you must be mistaken what did you have?” so I said it again… Then he said “no, you must mean brain aneurysm or heart aneurysm?” before I could respond he said “WAIT!! You’re that girl!! I heard about you!!” suddenly there was 50 questions coming my way “How do you feel, can you feel the coiling? Do you know it’s there?” I couldn’t get a word in…

The funny thing is… I have felt quite frustrated in my life about all this health stuff… and yet… I have a little giggle to myself that if I am here for nothing else… at least I can be a medical “rarity”. I usually make it a mission to have the very serious doctors with a smile on their face or in laughter by the time I leave their room.

Today, I was quite relieved when told I did not need another procedure despite the findings (of yet again new internal strange things) – and my specialist who has seen me for at least 6 years said: “as usual, it’s always a pleasure to speak with you”. and I smiled and answered cheekily “I know”.

Hey… I got to be confident about something in life – if nothing else… The doctors who like a challenge – love me and talk about me often. That’s better than feeling sorry for yourself and not knowing why the heck you are still alive.

P.S. did a 5k walk on Sunday – with all the new energy I have from my 1/3 of my spleen dying. Have been walking a minimum of 5K every day and determined to feel healthy again no matter what is happening – also – it rained THE WHOLE TIME…
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Looking for something rare like rare Pokemon cards? Find them here

Keep getting back up

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So, an embarrassing thing happened to me at school pick up yesterday. Fortunately most parents had gone home already so there weren’t many witnesses.
I fell… and not gracefully – full on fell on my face – that I have included pictures of the sunglasses sitting on my face that protected my eye as I fell.
Ugh.

First… I’ll state the obvious… falling sucks.

Thankfully – nothing super serious happened. The sunglasses protected my eye. My palm is bruised badly (but no broken wrist).
I have had a lot on my mind lately – paying bills, a personal disappointment, and another test that I have to be checked into hospital for tomorrow. So my mind was elsewhere and I was distracting myself (according to my last post).

So as I was home yesterday evening – sipping on wine, relaxing the nerves after the fall, I couldn’t help but think about how sorry I felt for myself. Memories of falls I have had in the past (thanks to a weak ankle) went through my head.
I couldn’t help but think of a particular saying that goes through my head…

“It’s not about how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up”

And boy – have I had to get back up A LOT.

How many times have you had to pick yourself up?

 

If you are like me and need protection from falling, here are some climbing harnesses that may help 😉

A True Leader…

 

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My dad is one of the most gentle people I know. This is no thanks to his upbringing, in which he had very limited places to go and not much gentleness shown to him – but he, as a parent has been quiet, patient and gentle.

I have watched him over the years, and now as a parent I look back and I am in awe of his patience, rarely raising his voice – but doing a lot of listening. He jokes that one of his best accomplishments in life is that he raised three, very independent, opinionated and smart women (He has two sons – my brothers as well… but he mentions his daughters first). My dad also leads quietly with his work. He allows people to make their own mistakes, and only corrects if he absolutely has to.
To the smart person, who will ask him what he thinks, he will share many interesting tactics and observations – but he never shares unless asked.
Several years ago there was something happening with his work environment that I was aware of – and I asked him about it. I knew he was upset because he raised his voice and said “Jenny!! Someday I’m not going to be around and you need to think for yourself, You can’t rely on what I think!! Don’t ask what I think about it!!”.

I had never been so insulted by my dad in my life. I, never having raised my voice to my dad like this ever, said “DAD, YOU RAISED ME!! YOU of all people know I can think for myself with how much I have disagreed with you!! But I am still interested in your opinion!!”.
<Silence>
THEN my dad laughed like I had never heard him laugh, and said “Well, yes… of course I knew that” and laughed and laughed.
I was scared that I had yelled back at him but surprised with his response. The thing is, my dad always says that he wants people to not rely on him, that he isn’t going to be around forever. Nothing makes him happier than when he sees someone become completely capable without his help.
I could never put my finger on what makes my dad so different when I have observed other people in leadership positions. I noticed that when people started telling me how smart they were or all of their qualifications they have gotten I tend to just smile and tune out. It just turns me off… and many times I think “don’t tell me, show me!”. Why did it bother me so much?
IT wasn’t until I heard a quote today that said this:

“True Leaders don’t spend time convincing you to believe in them, True leaders spend time convincing you to believe in yourself”.

*Lighbulb*
I love my dad’s leadership style because he is constantly telling people what they are capable of, and their potential, and ways of tapping into that potential. Other leaders I have seen just talk about what to learn from them, and how amazing they are, and try to make people dependent on their leadership and knowledge. They want you to think like them.

Sometimes I get frustrated when I blog because I tell myself “What qualifications do I have, why would anyone want to read what I have to say?” I guess – if I share what I have been through it is only to encourage that if I can do it – you can too (and probably better). Also though, I realize that I have taken on board my outlook that my father has, and that is, I want people to realize they can overcome anything and accomplish their dreams. I cannot do that in a work environment (although I would do it if given the opportunity), so I do it through blogging. So I hope you are working at accomplishing your goals…

I hope you all have had a magnificent week so far…
Jen

 

You are the special occasion

yellow pink and blue party balloons
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If you are anything like me, and having surgery after surgery or illness after illness or maybe you have mishap after mishap. Maybe you are going through rejection, or a divorce and you are feeling a little like “why am I here?”

Did you know the probability of you being you (and being born) is over 400 quadrillion? That’s just the probability of the right sperm and the right egg to make you! That doesn’t include the probability of your father and mother getting together to make you, or even the probability of all your ancestors living long enough to successfully reproduce. There is a whole lot of math involved and I am not sure if I could really explain it clearly but I think 400 quadrillion (which is only taking into consideration one aspect of the probability), is a large enough number to help you understand how amazing (and miraculous) your presence is.

You were meant to be here! Even if you were told you were a “surprise” or “an accident” (Hopefully no one tells you this), the probability of you being here – reading this blog is quite the miracle (maybe the fact that you are reading this blog is my miracle – ha ha). So what am I asking you do with this information?
Well, don’t save the fine china for the Queen to arrive at your home. Use the good glasses at the back of the cupboard. Use the fancy shampoo, sleep in your fancy bedsheets, and use your good towels (don’t save them for guests).
Basically – don’t save things for a special occasion when YOU ARE THE SPECIAL OCCASION.
So take care of yourself because there is only one of you – and treat yourself like the king or queen that you are!

Don’t have anything special?Find what you are looking for below.
Fine China
Fancy glasses
Fancy bedsheets
Fancy Bath Towels

Comparison is a thief..

 

 “Comparison is the Thief of all Joy” Theodore Roosevelt.

Today I went for a walk with my children to the park. My muscles were stiff, and struggling after all that I have been through in the last 3 months. It has been longer than that, as I didn’t realize how my health issues before had so deeply impacted my overall health until now when I’m finally getting energy back.

While walking around I found myself working through a series of emotions. I began frustrated with how my muscles were screaming out at me. I started feeling discouraged thinking about memories of when I used to hike on a more regular basis. The bigger the challenge the better. Here I am, struggling to walk in a flat circle around a local park.

Another memory popped into my head. Me, lying down on the operating table, just before going under anesthetic, wondering if I was going to wake up again. Wondering if I said goodbye to my children properly. Thinking if I had left anything undone if I should not wake up. It hit me that I was lying on that bed less than 3 months ago. How amazing was it that I have gone from the extreme of being told I had a good chance of not waking up, to walking around a beautiful park, alive to see winter, with my children…. it was a matter of perspective. I can choose to feel frustrated that I am not pushing myself hiking up steep hills, or I can be in absolute amazement at the opportunity to see the trees in the park and smiles on my children’s faces. Yes, my body isn’t where I wish it would be, but I have the opportunity to feel the stiffness of my muscles and the opportunity to work those muscles to get them where they should be. I have that time. That time is a gift.

The world is in a place where we are taught to be competitive and compare ourselves to others. We find ourselves participating in social media shaming – because it makes us feel “not as bad about ourselves” because “We would never do that” or “we know better not to say/do that”. We are taught it is okay to win when the loss is someone else’s.

Although it’s good to experience loss within games (I’m not a fan of participation awards) as life does hand out real losses in our lives, it isn’t how one should measure oneself. We are in competition with ourselves not others. We are meant to be a better version of ourselves. It is okay to look into our past to evaluate where we should be or where we want to be. We have time, the opportunity to change whatever we are not happy with. It is also important to not be too hard on ourselves if we have experienced loss or setbacks… and consider the fact that you are still here, and have time to work through them.
Comparing yourself to others, good or bad never gives you a real perspective. You can only measure yourself from where you have come from.
Hope you have a great week ahead.