After some pretty stressful times (Physically and emotionally) people are asking me how I am doing and I keep responding “fine”. Or I say “yeah, dealing with stuff but I’ll be okay”. This is the only way I know how to respond to the majority of people who surround me with their own version of support.
Honestly I have been dealing with a lot of crappy left over emotions of some difficult years (and possibly more to come). I’m usually very social but lately I have needed to be alone. I just don’t have the energy required to hold up conversations like I normally do.
If I am in a conversation I try to keep conversations on topics that have nothing to do with me.
I did worry one person around me when they couldn’t understand some of my behavior. I explained I haven’t slept well (part of that has to do with the schedule that the hospital keeps you in – constantly waking you in the middle of the night). Not sleeping well doesn’t help you process your emotions clearly or help you recover your energy easily.
The thing is, I can’t escape going through these feelings. I can try to avoid them but eventually I have to face them and they aren’t fun. There are a lot of traumatic thoughts, and feelings that I need to own. I have expressed them like they are no big deal “Oh yeah sure, the doctor told me my chances weren’t good for survival and warned me several times that they may not be able to do anything for me would not have not long to live”.
I almost laugh at myself internally when I say it so casually when inside I know that I have avoided facing the aftermath of surviving that.
I went through a period of time beforehand when I tried convincing myself that I was totally okay with not surviving because ‘”I’m sure everyone will be able to step in for my children and husband and the community will come together and it will all be okay”. I know deep down it is not okay.
Our whole family and myself included are more than thrilled that I survived and am alive but there will be a time to really digest what really happened and the emotional toll that all those words and feelings took on me.
Yes I can focus on the positive – I do most days – but that doesn’t erase the burden of the stress that was placed before this.
Those feelings aren’t pretty – I can’t make them sound “good”, but they are feelings I just need to go through so I can focus on what’s next.